Is My Child Being a Bully or Is My Child Being Bullied

No parent ever wants to be in the position to question whether their child is a bully or not. Sometimes it’s a sad reality we as parents must face.

Let’s clarify what “Bullying” is, Bullying is the intention or persistent desire to humiliate, belittle, or physically/mentally harm someone. This can be done online or in person through social media.

There is often a sense of shame and stigma of guilt that surrounds you as a parent when receiving news that your child is a bully, but do not fret. Your child may be involved in bullying but this does not make or define them as a bully.

Bullying occurs for several reasons as follows:

• Low Self Esteem
• Struggles going on within the school or home
• Modeled bullying behaviors by Family + Friends + Other Influences
• Lack of support from others
• Lack of control over emotions
• The desperate need to fit in

If you’re worried you are parenting a bully here are 5 behavioral signs you can look out for within your child.

Lack of empathy - If your child doesn’t show feelings of understanding of someone’s emotions, or even your own this should raise some concern. Another tell-tale sign of this could be blaming others for a problem your child created. This also aligns with your child not accepting responsibility for their actions. It is important to note that empathy is a skill that can grow along with your child’s maturity.

Obsessed about fitting in- When in middle school your child is very much worried about how their image comes across to others. Sometimes the pressure of upholding this specific look can be so much that your child may bully others to appear to fit in. This pressure can lead your child to make the wrong decisions. We must help make them understand and realize being a bully is not who they are going to want to be, and their actions are affecting and can hurt others.

Previous Experiences with Anger, Violence, or Bullying- If your student has been bullied or has witnessed bullying behaviors they may refer to this behavior as acceptable, or as their go-to reaction. We need to figure out & break down why your student refers to bullying, and change our reactions to be a model figure for your student.

A Tendency to Put Other People Down- Some students find themselves being lifted when putting others down. By this, I mean your student points out flaws, makes cruel jokes about others, or insults others.  This tends to result from various issues of low self-esteem, fear, or overwhelming feelings. This is a sign your student needs help with their view of themselves, so they don’t resort to bullying to achieve this gratification.

Recurring Behavior Problems- If your student has a history of behavioral problems, this is something to watch for. It is important to question whether they intentionally tried to hurt someone before assuming their actions as a reaction.

I want to make it clear if your child is bullied this is not a result of your parenting. However, if you suspect your child is being a bully you can look for these 5 signs and help guide them to rectifying these behaviors.

https://carolinemaguireauthor.com/parenting-a-bully/

Signs Your Child is Being Bullied

Bullying can come in various forms: physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, racial, cyberbullying, and hazing.

There are multiple warning signs you can seek out in your child if you suspect they are being bullied.

Some warning signs are:

• Your child comes home with physical signs of torn, damaged belongings.
• Your child has unexplained cuts, bruises, or scratches
• Your child has very few friends
• Your child is afraid of going to and from school or riding the bus home
• Your child finds or makes up excuses of why the student is unable to go to school
• Your child has lost interest in school work or is doing poorly in school all of a sudden
• Your child appears sad, moody or even comes across as depressed when they are home

If you suspect your child is going through or experiencing any of the following you should subtly confront them, and get in contact with the school to seek out what is going on with your child.

Here are a few tips and tricks...

Avoid asking directly if they are being bullied. Instead, ask subtle questions regarding how their school life is, or who their friends are.

It is important to not overreact to hearing that your child is experiencing bullying and letting your emotions heighten. Instead, reaffirm your love for your child, assure them that they're getting bullied is not their fault, and that you will do everything in your power to end this treatment they are enduring by being there for them and reaching out for the best of support they can have.

Another way in which you can help your student is by reaching out to the school, by having teachers and counselors can help the school see if they can also address these bullying behaviors to eliminate your child’s fears, concerns, and treatment.

Signs Your Child Is Being Bullied - Tip Sheet (stompoutbullying.org)

Does it feel like your child has been taken over by an alien?!? Ok, maybe it's not that bad, but oftentimes as children grow into adolescence it can feel as if they are drifting apart from us (as parents). Before we jump into how to communicate with this new version of your child, let's talk about what is developmentally appropriate... What has always held true in the past does so no longer and it can make us feel lost, confused, frustrated, and disconnected. You are not alone, and I have good news...

Your pre-teen/teen needs you now more than ever - they just don't necessarily know it or know how to show it.  Developmentally, middle school students are desperately trying to figure out who they are and what their place is in this world - all with an enormous amount of hormonal changes impacting their brain and body. When you know what to expect, you are less likely to take these big changes personally and are better equipped to help with this transition. 

• Expect that your adolescent will begin to seek out more and more time with their friends 
• Expect that your adolescent will want more privacy than usual
• Expect them to want more independence but to not necessarily be equipped to handle that responsibility just yet

So, where does that leave you? It's fine to expect these things, but you still have to parent. Right? Of course you do! And, communication with your child is key in assuring that you stay involved, connected, and influential during this critical time.

Communication Basics for Middle School Parents: 

• When they want to tell you something, give them your full attention! Like, put your phone down....stop cooking....whatever it is that you're doing - STOP! Looking your child in the eye and giving them your full attention shows them that you value them and what they have to say. It also models that behavior for them! 
• They are going to say some things that may shock or scare you! Try your best to be calm. Nothing turns an adolescent's communication off more than a person who "just doesn't get it." Being a safe space for your child to ask the weird questions and speak openly about what they are experiencing in this world will allow you an opportunity to softly guide them in the direction that you feel is most healthy and appropriate for them. 

Signs of Stress, Depression, and Anxiety…. And What to do Next

What is Stress?

Stress is an emotional response often caused by an external trigger. For example, students can become stressed when they learn they have a pop quiz and feel unprepared for it. This is a situational response. There are different stressors in your own and your middle schoolers' day to day lives.

Stress is often intertwined with the term Anxiety, but it is important to note that the two are different in meaning but have some similarities in the symptoms they display. So, let’s begin by addressing those similarities—what does stress look like in your middle schooler?

Some physical attributes are:

• Fatigue
•  Difficulty Concentrating
• Anger/ Irritability
• Emotional Distress ( Sweating, Red-Faced)
• Trouble Sleeping

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is the exhibiting of constant and excessive worrying about daily events or activities. This worry isn’t situational and remains more of a constant and often interferes with the following: education, occupation, and even one’s social life. Anxiety is also a body’s stress response, but it is important to note that there are various forms of anxiety: such as social anxiety, separation anxiety, and more. Some anxieties are short-term, some forms of anxiety are situational, and other anxieties are sudden or inexplicable. 

It is important to note that anxiety is indeed treatable. However, it does not have a one-size-fits-all solution. Each case is different and unique to its own. One may need medication to deter them from having anxiety, whereas another may just need some one-on-one counseling to figure out the cause of their anxiety. 

Earlier we learned that stress and anxiety have some of the same physical attributes your middle schooler may be experiencing… here are some more you should know about

• Consistent stomach aches
• Consistent headaches
• Racing Heart
• Nausea + Vomiting

There are also some emotional and behavioral responses and symptoms you can look for in your middle schooler to see if they are experiencing symptoms of anxiety…

• Discussion of fear
• Discussion of worry
• Spending increased amounts of time alone
• Lower Academic performance all of a sudden
• Skipping Class or School

What is Depression?

Depression is a mental health problem that causes persistent and constant feelings of sadness. Depression often affects how teens may think, feel, or behave. Depression can be brought on by several things such as brain chemistry changes, hormonal changes, childhood trauma, and learned negative thinking patterns.

Some emotional changes in your teen may include:

• Feelings of Sadness
• Feelings of Hopelessness
• Feelings of Emptiness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities
• Conflict with Family and Friends
• Low Self Esteem
• Continuation of the belief that things are grim, and no hope they will get better
• Thoughts of death, dying, and suicide

Some behavioral changes in your teen may include:

• Loss of energy
• Insomnia / Sleeping too much
• Change in appetite ( increase/ decrease)
• Isolation
• School performance decreasing
• Hygiene Issues
• Self Harm
• Plan to commit suicide
• Attempted Suicide 

Why does this matter? What do I need to do next?

Stress, Anxiety, and Depression are no joke, and from what we learned these symptoms can have a huge toll on your student and our goal is to eliminate these feelings they are experiencing. What can you do next?

Sit down with your teen, express your concern and love for them, and create a plan of action of how things are going to get better, and what you are going to do to ensure things will.

Schedule a call or meeting with your middle schooler’s counselor so they can be an active hand in helping your middle schooler to be better mentally and academically.

Take your teen to a doctor to see if there’s any medical steps that need to be taken such as medication, therapy, and more.

Information obtained from the following: 

https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/anxiety-kids-teens

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/teen-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20350985